When times seem their darkest, there is always hope.
I’m writing this piece as message to others and a reminder to myself that when life feels it’s at rock bottom, the feeling of hopelessness and dread won't last forever.
2020 has been the toughest year for so many and for so many reasons, but for me its the battle with this illness that I though I'd cracked a few months ago. In my previous posts I've openly talked about how things took a turn for the worse and knocked me off my feet, back in to the dark times again, and it's been truly awful. Through therapy and research I came to realise that the downward spirals I'd been experiencing were in fact "Emotional Flashbacks", and they're simply crippling both mentally and physically.
Therapy has gone up a notch and its bloody tough, but its working so far. I'm just determined I want to heal and get back to that man I felt like in the summer. Having a glimpse in to how life can be is exhilarating and exciting, so when it's ripped away in a split second again, and you fall back in to the darkness of toxic shame and flashbacks, those happier times seem a dream and completely unreachable.
Today is day 1 of healing the next stage
I've found that learning more about Complex PTSD is giving me further understanding of what's going on and that it's perfectly normal for things to go wrong, as one of the core things keeping me down is the 'internal critic'.
"You're not good enough"
"You're a failure"
"Why do you bother?"
The reality is they're pre-recorded messages kept on loop so I stay in this permanent state of depression, but I'm discovering tools to help fight back and retrain my brain through neuro-linguistic techniques so I can learn the skills needed to better myself and become so much more.
"I am not my flashbacks"
"I am moving towards a good state"
"I welcome my emotions"
"I take care of myself to take care of others"
"I am my own self and I belong to me"
It's ok to be happy.....
People with CPTSD normally don't feel they deserve to be loved, or they're good enough for anything. That little voice inside controls everything we do, say or feel, but it doesn't have to be like that. Like I said, this is day 1 for my next level of recovery. I know its going to be tough, but the only way its going to get better is by putting in the effort. Learning to say "no", learning to identify what I want, learning how to feel happy and content with my life, it's all new, but also exciting. I want to be in control again and I want to be that man I know I can be.
The good days are awesome, I just need to remind myself that when times seem their darkest, there is always hope.