I still have Demons

Whilst the dips come way far less than they used to, when they do its utterly debilitating.

I have a new found respect for triggers and the impact they have on me. I've been incredibly fortunate to have had a clear run for several months now, achieving more than I thought possible in such a short space of time. But here we are again, knocked off balance and needing time to re-align and get my head straight.

Having written about The Power of Shame in a recent blog, it came back and kicked the shit out of me once more.

Here are the issues with it;

  • I don't realise I've been triggered

  • I don't see it coming until it's too late

  • I feel utterly broken and worthless

  • I still can't ask for help due to the immense shame it creates

Here are the positives;

  • It goes within a matter of hours or days now as opposed to weeks or months

  • I can look back and see what triggered it

But here's the problem;

I'm a qualified Mental Health First Aider and NLP Practitioner, where all I do now is bang the drum for being open and talking about how we feel. Yet absolutely no one would have spotted me getting worse because I naturally hide it so well until it's too late.

Shame is not simply an emotion. It's far more powerful than that, and I'm still trying to understand it. But I believe it's one of the reasons that so many of us fail to reach out for help when we need it the most. Perhaps due to the fact we lose control of reality and fall in to this dark well of hopelessness and misery. All I can say it's simply the worst thing I've ever experienced. Far worse than grief.

The only saving grace is when I meet other people who've had their own mental health challenges, I can perhaps have a little more empathy for them and understand how difficult it is to not only function but more importantly ask for help.

We have to do better, but I don't know how yet.


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