Its nearly been a month since my last post. It was pretty clear over the past few months that things were starting to go south again, to the point where I felt unable to function at the most basic of levels, so made the decision to take some time away from work and get my head straight again.
I'm back on the anti-depressants again and now fully accept that I need that chemical support in order to feel some form of normality again. I think this is the fourth week in and they're certainly starting to take effect. My mood is far more stable and the depression has subsided thankfully. Perhaps the downside at the moment is my creative writing appears to have taken a brief holiday, as I'm lacking the emotion I so much depended on and utilised to write these blogs from the heart.
That aside, I'm mentally better than I was in October. The inner critic has gone quiet and no longer goes on and on about how utterly useless I am and that I'd be better off dead. I'm grateful:)
Four weeks ago I started a neurolinguistics programming (NLP) course to try a completely different tactic in dealing with the inner critic that has crippled me for so much of my adult life, so that I can try and live some sort of normal life again. We all have that voice in our head that convinces us to find the easy way out by not doing a task or eating something we shouldn't. For CPTSD survivors, that voice is the epitome of internal destruction and continually reminds us how useless, worthless, unloved and pathetic we are. After 18 months of intensive therapy, this is the final hurdle I now face, reprogramming my brain to shut off those voices and replace them with positivity and self love.
Being good enough
I am of course my own worst critic and have always put myself down albeit in my personal or work life. No matter what I've learnt, achieved or created, it never seemed worthwhile or good enough, and that's an incredibly challenging thing to change. But I know its possible.
I thrive on solving problems and making life better, but it would be at a cost to my own wellbeing. No matter what it what, I felt I needed to fix that issue for the person in front of me, not really understanding that the reason behind that was linked to the inner critic. The desire to feel needed, wanted and appreciated so that I could validate my existence ended up being an internal addiction that I didn't know I had. So when I was unable to resolve a problem or meet the needs of someone, that voice kicked in again just to remind me how useless, worthless and unloved I was.
The NLP has helped me to re-evaluate myself as an individual. To point out my "likes", "what I'm good at" and most importantly that "I'm good enough" as I am. We strive towards perfection, but perfection doesn't exist in the real world, and being good enough is simply enough.
I continue to see my amazing psychologist weekly, and we're working through these issues I have with my inner critic along with planning out detailed coping strategies for when things go south occasionally (hopefully less and less). In addition I've started exercising again, and those small achievements stack up. I now make a point of congratulating myself after each time to reinforce the positive mindset so that I'm more aware of the successes each day no matter how big or small.
2020 has been an absolute shit show of a year all round, but it really is critical to focus more than ever on moving towards a better place mentally. No matter how many times I fall over, each time I get up again is a success and that's good enough.