The thought of ever being what I'd class "normal" or neurotypical, always seemed an impossible goal. Suffering with any form of mental illness feels like a life sentence with no freedom in sight.
But what if you could get better?
What would you sacrifice to be a better version of yourself?
My own journey was that of utter desperation, not to spend eternity feeling depressed, hopeless and full of shame. I so wanted to get well, but was walking a path with no guidance or tools to help me firstly understand WHY I was so ill so I could start the process of healing.
My depression was like an infected wound and every time I attempted some form of counselling, it acted like a sticking plaster so everything on the surface looked ok for a while, but gradually the infection would get worse and spread out again, pulling me back in to the black hole of endless suffering.
This cycle went on for years, becoming the norm until 2019, I reached the point of whether I consider desperate alternatives or I seek help to get to the bottom. Either way I was depressed of being depressed, utterly broken and open to anything that could pull me out of the darkness once and for all.
Had I known how difficult the therapy was, would I have gone through it all? 100% yes.
Was it really that difficult? 100% yes.
I can remember on many occasions ending up in floods of tears, thinking the treatment wasn't working and I was an utter failure. Those days were beyond terrible and I wouldn't wish them on anyone.
For those out there who are scared to face their fears by talking about the most traumatic events imaginable, I get it, I really do. You're opening up to a stranger about things that were terrifying, upsetting, humiliating and caused you untold misery on so many levels, so why on earth would you want to go through all that again?
For some it maybe easier to spend another 20, 30 or 40 years coping with those demons and they're absolutely within their right to do that. But what if you could spend those years living a life of feeling content with yourself, not having night terrors or feeling scared, depressed or perhaps suicidal all the time? Would you consider investing the time with the right help to get a better quality of life?
Perhaps look at it from another perspective. Your brain has been reprogrammed to live with the trauma and you've become used to the feelings that come with it. That takes a serious amount of energy on your part to just cope on a daily basis. So what about using the same energy to focus on getting back your life and living your years in a way you never imagined?
So please write these down and read them back whenever you need to;
Whatever happens, I know I can handle it
I have a right to be who I was born to be
I am willing to change
I must take care of myself first so that I can take care of others
I deserve to be happy
I am loved
Continue to be kind to yourself, keep fighting the battle, and remember it can be won.