Updated: Oct 18, 2020
Today hasn't been the best of days. Occasionally I loose faith in my own ability to to perform at the pace I think I need to.
There's no evidence to justify those feelings, and I know its my dark passenger playing tricks on me again but it feels so real. I also know it's a little more complicated than that and I should show a little more self compassion (I'm sure I wrote a blog about that!).
We all have a part in our brain called the Amygdala, it's the bit that processes our emotions and is linked to our fear responses. For people who have suffered severe trauma and end up with PTSD / CPTSD, the Amygdala is larger, causing over stimulus to events around us that the "normal" person might think are insignificant. When you add further complexities around core beliefs (I'm not good enough, I'm worthless, I'm stupid etc), it's an absolute crisis in the making.
This is pretty much where I'm at right now. The ongoing battle between fight, flight, flop & fawn responses and being able to identify when something isn't a threat becomes simply exhausting. I've talked about it before, where my day goes from 0 to -100 in a blink of an eye and there's no gradual drop, it's all or nothing.
When you factor in all the other important elements to keep the daily plates spinning (meditation, exercise, healthy eating, enough sleep, talking about problems when they arise), that in itself is just knackering. The other frustration to all of this is it's new territory, not just to me but those around me. Every day I'm finding new quirks, learning more about the condition and finding other ways to cope. But its hard, really hard and there are days I feel like I don't have the strength to do it.
My ongoing arguments in my head are whether I really am capable to continue the things I do, or do I need to slow down a bit? Complex PTSD seems more "complex" now than it ever did. The ironic thing being I've made it through the hardest bit of therapy, processed the most horrific traumatic events and come out the other side fighting for a new life. The difficulty now is I don't really know what to do (apparently that's also normal).
I continue to be eternally grateful to my wife, psychologist and work colleagues (friends) who listen to me, and support me through each bump in the road. I honestly couldn't do it without you.
Tomorrow is another day, but that voice in the back of my head keeps on at me, that maybe something still needs to change. The balance is off and I'm struggling. Please send help.