It's fair to say it had been brewing for well over a month. Things were going so well at work and personally, I felt more healed and "normal" than I could remember.
I started taking on more responsibility and achieving more. For me it was the equivalent of waking up each day with a super human power, able to deal with so many tasks, solving problems, reading more, learning more!
But then the cracks started to show....
I wasn't getting the recognition for things I needed and I felt invisible. I don't mean it in the way that sounds, but I just wanted to be noticed and appreciated. That little voice in my head piped up "maybe you're not good enough?" and "maybe you're not as good as you think you are?".
Once it began, the tiny stream of failures seemed to grow in to a river and the gentle onslaught of things going wrong became a tidal wave. No matter how hard I tried to swim against it, the negative pressures became overwhelming and I mentally crashed again.
It's soul destroying when you're on a video call with your boss having to admit defeat again after so many achievements. Having to catch your breath and stop yourself from breaking down in tears because you feel the world is crumbling around you and you're unable to stop it.
Roll the clock back just a few months
I still struggle to put in to words the amazing feeling of being able to cope and start the road of self development. Something which comes to natural to others had been out of reach to me since I can remember I felt healed, capable and just happy for the longest period of time. I'd read books, learnt new technology, built better working relationships and had a new passion for life.
That now seems a lifetime away again. The CPTSD has come back with a vengeance with a an array of triggers and an all-out assault on my core beliefs.
Seems ironic the day after World Suicide Prevention day, I sat there planning ways to end it all. The feelings are so powerful and you start to convince yourself that you really aren't good enough. That the world would be better off without you and work certainly won't miss you.
I'm incredibly thankful my wife understands and supports me you know. She's seen me at the lowest of lows and had to talk me back from those moments on numerous occasions. Yesterday was no different sadly. I laid on the sofa in tears, telling her maybe I really should just end it all so she can carry on with her life and not be burdened with me. After all what use am I as a husband if I can't be there for her and provide financially?
The road to recovery seems longer than I anticipated
Today I'm exhausted, but feeling slightly better than yesterday. Talking about it really does help, but I still struggle with putting my hand up until I'm at breaking point, and I've got to work on that. I guess one of my issues is pride, but maybe it's time to realise that I am just a bit broken and can't life live or work to the same pace as others around me. It seems like a good time to reflect on things a bit more and perhaps consider a change of pace, but how that looks and how I can achieve it is another story. I do know writing about it seems to help though.
If you're a friend of mine reading this and ask why I didn't reach out for help, I hope one of my other posts covers that off. It's not personal, but when things are at their lowest I just crumble and feel humiliated. I guess I need to work on that still.
Am I ok? Not really..... will I get through this? I hope so, but christ it's hard work and I'm a little knackered right now.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.