Just start

So here is the thing…

I have been trying to get to a point of setting up this website for weeks. It is not hard to set up a website. You just need an idea, a web builder, a little time, and the drive to do it.

I have been duelling with my brain for weeks and weeks.

I wanted to set this up for many reasons. I wanted to share my insanity with the rest of you lovely folk, creating discussions about what is considered “normal” thinking and real thinking. I wanted to put myself out there and dedicate myself to writing more. In some way, I guess I wanted to feel like I was part of something. Mostly, I, like so many people, wanted to not feel alone in my thoughts. But the thoughts are why this has taken so long to put into action.

…..

I started writing this at 10:30 am and my brain convinced me that this was pointless and useless and stupid. So, I closed the laptop and decided it was no good.

It is now 22:03 and I have decided to try again.

Lets be real, life is hard as it is, but allowing doubt and fear to infiltrate your mind makes life so much harder. This is a problem I have on a daily basis. I often feel like I am incapable of achieving anything. I feel like a failure without even giving myself a chance to fail. My brain lays out a thousand possible outcomes to any situation and they all show me failure. The anxiety grips me and the panic sets in. I start to doubt everything. I become convinced that failure is inevitable.

I try to be positive and optimistic, but that really does not come naturally to me in any way. I want to see the beauty in everything, the joy in life and the potential in each day…my brain shows me ugliness, sadness and potential disasters.

My goal becomes trying to focus on the good, take note when good happens, try and see different perspectives in each situation and argue with my brain as much as possible. I feel like each day becomes a battle. A battle I do not always win.

My husband and I have a thing we do now when we go out for a walk. It is something I saw a very lovely person do on TikTok. We look for flowers or plants that are from each colour of the rainbow. The idea being that it makes us get out of our heads, stop just walking along for the sake of walking, and pay attention the world around us. I noticed, when we started doing this, that there are some incredibly beautiful flowers that grow near our house. I had walked past them many times and never even noticed that they were there. But in looking for the colours to check off the list, it suddenly opened my eyes to everything around me. On a walk not that long ago, I heard a bird tweeting, and it was actually making a really crisp “Tweet” sound, not just bird song and noise, it was actually tweeting. I found it funny because it was so unexpected, and if I had put my headphones on and put my head down, like I would often do when going to a walk, I would have missed it.

I don’t want to miss the good in life. If I spend my whole life allowing my fear and doubt dictate how I live my life, I will miss everything.

So... Here I am. Making another attempt to actually set up a website, start posting and achieving something I have been wanting for months.

Wish me luck.

JT