Bad Luck

Is luck real? Is karma as much of a bitch as it’s made out to be? Am I worthy of good fortune?

Sometimes it is easy to feel like the world is working against you, plotting your demise. It is easy to let all those wiggly worms of doubt and worry squiggle their way into your head. We all have days where we see red lights at every junction, nothing seems to go the way we want it to, all plans fail and nothing works. And of course you drop the clean sock into the cat’s water bowl, because why wouldn’t you!?

My brain is frequently telling me that I don’t deserve nice things. I don’t deserve to win at life, I don’t even deserve to achieve the things I work hard for. My brain won’t allow any thoughts of hopeful outcomes to situations because life doesn’t work that way.

Other people win contests, but that is other people, it wont ever happen for me. Other people have successful careers, happy family lives, healthy bodies and all their dreams come true. But I am never going to have that because I am me. I do not deserve it. I am not worthy of that joy. I am nothing but a useless, worthless, pointless lump of flesh that will never amount to anything. Ok. But…

I achieve.

I succeed.

I win.

I have joy.

The reality is that my brain can say whatever it wants to say to me and those things will only be true for as long as I believe them to be true.

Sometimes you really do need to take stock of your life to see how much you have achieved.

I used to think I would not live to see 18 - I am now 36. I used to think no one would ever want me - I am now married. I used to believe that I was stupid and slow - I have a Masters Degree. I used to believe a lot of things that I am proving, every day, to be wrong.  

There is a belief that anything you put out into the world returns to you threefold. If you show someone kindness you will see demonstrations of kindness towards you. Likewise, if you put negativity out into the world you will get negativity hurled right back at you by the world. We can choose what we put out into the world though. We can’t always choose what out brain puts into our mind.

I frequently find myself looking back on situations and only seeing the darkness, only seeing the negative moments in every situation. I find it so so hard to look past that, to find the light in the dark. But I know it is there.

When my depression is in full swing and my mind is under heavy thunder clouds, I find every one of my memories are also shrouded in darkness. I look back on my childhood or my days at college or uni, or even my wedding day, and all I see are the worst moments. Even if the worst moments were one stupid comment made by someone that ever so slightly irritated me. Suddenly, nothing about those days were good, nothing went right and nothing but sadness or anger comes from that memory. It becomes so easy for my brain to sit back and say “See! You can’t get anything right. You can’t make anything go to plan. You can’t achieve anything. Nothing good ever happens to you.”

Oh, would you please SHUT UP, BRAIN!!!!

Honestly, its like a kid having a temper tantrum because they dropped their ice-cream whilst at Disneyland.

I have thousands of happy memories and joyous moments. Yes, bad stuff has happened, and no I am not over most of it, but incredibly good stuff has happened too.

The darkness cannot take away from the light unless you absorb yourself in it.

I can gage my decline into depression by how often I notice green lights that I drive through. If I feel lucky because I managed to make it through the five different sets of traffic lights on the roundabout in one go, then it’s probably a good mental health day. If I end up the other side of the roundabout without registering if I stopped at all, just auto-piloting my way to work, then maybe I need to check in with myself. If I see red lights everywhere, even though three of them were definitely greed…I need to put measures in place to deal with the depression that has infiltrated my mind.

Luck can be real. Karma, I believe, is real. Doubting your worthiness to achieve things you are working hard for, or believing that the world is against you…I recommend you throw down the gauntlet and challenge your brain for your right to feel positivity and joy.

Wishing you all good fortune.

JT