Can Anyone Fix Me?

I have not been in the best health lately. I say lately. I have not been in the best health for a long time. I have, in fact, forgotten how it feels to not have something wrong.

Recently, it has seemed as though, every time I address one issue and make progress with that, something else goes awry.

Over the last few months, I have had fibromyalgia flair ups that meant I could barely get off the sofa. I had hey-fever, that then triggered another flair up. I fell when doing some exercise and… yep, caused another flair up.  - I am sensing a pattern here.

Along with that fun little cycle, I have had major ups and downs with my mental health. My anxiety has been sky high, my mood has bottomed out with depressive drops, my frustration at life has been a constantly brewing storm, and honestly, I have been one minor inconvenience away from flipping out and smashing everything in sight. Of course, the way I am means that the raging mostly occurs inside my own head, and if I did smash anything then my anxiety would increase because I would need to fix it immediately and my depression would increase because of how guilty and awful I would feel for smashing the thing in the first place. I feel stressed just thinking about it. Let’s not smash things, it’s a lot of effort.

So, anyway…

Along with all that. I started having panic attacks again. This is something that used to happen a lot. I thought they were gone or reduced in severity at least, but no, they were just waiting for an inopportune moment to return full force. Family gathering, everyone together, me trying my best to socialise and not just hide in a corner. Trying desperately to hold a conversation whilst panic built and built and built. Thankfully, the many years of me having had panic attacks in the past, meant that at least I knew some techniques for soothing myself enough for no one to really notice. Also, thankfully my husband was by my side to hold my hand.

When I was in Uni, my panic attacks were worse than ever. I remember my friend coming back to the flat to find me curled up on the floor, tears streaming down my face, me barely able to breath. That was when I learnt that repeating Three blind mice over and over would help regulate my breathing, whilst also mentally blocking out any other thoughts that would feed the panic.

Humming helps. It’s remarkably difficult to think when humming, other than the tune you are humming, of course.

Thankfully, the panic attacks have subsided a little. Back to being anxiety attacks rather than full blown panic attacks. Not sure there is a difference in those terms really, but it’s the way I categorise it. They are also not occurring quite so regularly and are easily shaken off after a few minutes.

However, now I am dealing with a bought of headaches. Seemingly every few hours. It’s great fun. There I am, trying to focus on work, and oops, headache. Try focusing now. It doesn’t matter that this is a really important piece of work, now you have to try and focus with fuzziness and pain in your head. Oh, you’re enjoying that book you’re reading? Enjoying swimming though the pages of adventure and can’t wait to get to the next chapter? Here, have a headache, you will read the same sentence five times before conceding and having to go sit in a dark room. Ugh.

Sometimes I feel like my body and brain tag team to see which will break me first. I know if don’t have it all that bad, I know it could be so much worse. But it grates on me. It is exhausting having this constant string of problems. I can’t just get on with life because there is always some obstacle. Ether my body is not working right, or my brain is spiralling, or they join forces to make me feel thoroughly miserable.

I do wonder, sometimes, if I’ll ever get to a point where I am just well. It would be lovely to go a week without anything being wrong with me. Instead, it is a bit of a balancing act. I constantly have to assess my condition, both mental and physical, and shift plans accordingly, make allowances and structure my life around how I am going that day.

I feel like I am in a constant state or both repair and disrepair. You fix one thing and another thing goes. Anyone else feel that way?

JT