Cheers or Tears?

I love winter. Its cold, peaceful, frost kissed, beauty catches our attention and ignites our imagination. We snuggle up in warm blankets, with hot chocolate piled high with whipped cream and marshmallows. Cheesy Hallmark films are enjoyed for their pure, mindless warmth. Fires are lit. Presents are wrapped. Gifts are given and wishes are granted. Children behave for fear of upsetting elves on shelves and getting put on Santa’s naughty list. Families come together and so much delicious food is eaten, because – go on, it’s Christmas.

Light, love, joy and magic fill each moment.

In reality, I find that those things only form magic moments in an otherwise chaotic, frantic and stressful time. Don’t get me wrong, I love those moments, and I love seeing my family and all that good stuff. But it is not without its challenges.

I think my anxiety starts building around mid-November. I suddenly go into a panic about having all my gifts ordered or ready to be wrapped. I worry that I will not get the right thing, or something won’t turn up, or I will give the wrong gift to the wrong person – have actually done that last one, not that it caused much of a problem, but did cause some disappointment on Christmas day.

I also stress constantly about how best to deal with all the social stuff that comes with that time of year. Work Christmas parties are a particular social nightmare for me. I feel like I am not able to really be myself at work, and so I am suddenly socialising with people outside the office and trying to enjoy an event without fully being myself and relaxing. I am also somewhat socially awkward so having to maintain conversations with people I am not overly close with can be difficult. – side note: drinking as a social lubricant only works in the moment, and often leads to drinking too much and thoroughly embarrassing yourself in front of people you then have to be professional with a couple of days later.

Then comes the family events. Again, I love seeing my family and spending time with them…but my god, it is hard work sometimes. First come the routine questions…how’s work, any plans, are you planning any trips…Then come the more probing questions about your love life, home, family. At that point, especially if the drinks start flowing, the probing questions turn into comments or digs or comparisons. “So ’n’ so just bought a new place, are you going to buy a bigger place soon?” “Such ’n’ such have a new baby on the way, are you going to have children soon?” “My friend’s daughter just got a brilliant pay rise, when are you going to get a new job?”. These questions or comments can build and get harder to deal with sometimes. I have left many a family gathering feeling like my achievements are not good enough and my self-esteem takes a few hits.

I never used to like Christmas. My parents split when I was quite young, so Christmas always felt like a divided experience. If I was with my dad, I couldn’t see my mum Christmas morning, couldn’t be with my grandparent’s listening to my Grandad holding court over some random debate or another. Couldn’t play mouse trap with my cousins or encourage my younger sisters to wake everyone up super early in the morning. Likewise, if I was with my Mum I couldn’t see my dad, be fussed over and spoilt by my Nanny, or see my brothers having ridiculous wrestling fights.

When I got older, I felt even more divided at Christmas. Wanting to see my mum and that family, my dad and his, and also being with my boyfriend and his family. I remember one year in particular where I felt so split that I just felt miserable the whole day. So, for a few years, I just wanted Christmas to pass me by as fast as possible.

This year I spent Christmas day with my other half’s family. It was lovely, calm, and simple.

Famous last words.

Loss is felt most deeply at these times of the year. The times when celebrations pull everyone together, and then suddenly you find yourself looking around for someone who is no longer there. My husband used to make up a punch bowl for his mum to enjoy through out the day while she prepared Christmas dinner. My Grandad used to tell never ending tales from the head of the table. My Nanny used to give the warmest cuddles while wearing the softest Christmas jumpers. My husband’s Nan used to be wonderful and daft and fall asleep on the sofa. My grandma, always ending up with way too many poinsettias for one person to own, sat the opposite end of the stretched dining table from Grandad, monitoring the goings on, making everything go just right, loving being around her family and playing beautiful piano music for us all. I miss them all.

This can be the most magical time of the year. But please check in on each other and remember this is not always an easy time of year.

Happy New Year to you all.

JT