Here we go again!

Oh, dear, sweet body of mine. We need to chat. I am getting very tired of this little loop of ours. I set a goal. A very real, very achievable goal, mind! I get going, get into the swing of it, get good vibes and a positive outlook and then... you go and do something to break that progress all over again. Now, I know you have a lot of things to deal with, most of which you do remarkably well…like breath, cycle blood round yourself, produce words, hear music, see rainbows and taste delicious caramel. But why oh why oh why can’t you maintain exorcise without something odd occurring and causing me masses of pain. Yer, yer, I know, the Fibromyalgia. Such a joy.

I am convinced that my friends and family all think I lack drive or will power or perseverance. I have lost count of the number of ideas or schemes I have had to work out in a way that my body can cope with.

Swimming – movement without the body weight – but then randomly hives for three weeks.

Gym – help around to support me – crippling anxiety so wouldn’t ask for help, oh and everything hurt way too much.

Exorcise with the WII – at home in a safe space, guided, fun – kept pulling muscles and tripping over and feeling sick.

Step fit at home – this went well for a while until I made a bad move and hit the floor so hard that I couldn’t get up for 20 mins.

Walking pad – this was going really really well, right up until my foot started hurting so bad I can now barely walk on it. Which is not very conducive to walking or jogging on a walking pad.

And yes, I know, some of it is my own fault. I get carried away. I am so desperate to get myself stronger, healthier, fitter, that I push myself. Although, I think it is fair to say, the worst thing I do is compare myself to other. I have family and friends that hike, run, cycle and go to the gym on a regular basis. That seems like the normal thing. I keep thinking that I should be able to do that too. Then I remember that they do not have my body. Their bodies are built differently.

I also have to remind myself that I have improved. I have made massive strides to get fitter and healthier. In 2020, when the world shut down and Government mandated walks became a thing, I could not walk five minuets down the road without the aid of a walking stick. By 2022 I was no longer using the stick and could walk for half an hour or so, stopping every so often to rest or sit. Last week I was jogging, actually jogging, on the walking pad. I can’t remember the last time I was able to jog anywhere or for any length of time. And yer, ok, so I wasn’t able to keep it up and I now have to hobble round my flat with the help of the walking stick, but I will get my foot sorted and I will try again. I may not jump straight back into jogging, but at least I know I am able to.

I wish I could be so positive in my own mind. I would love to say that I am going to rest and heal and bounce back with a sunny disposition and a great outlook on life. But the reality is that I am angry. Every step I take comes with pain at the moment. The walking stick helps but it makes me mad that I am needing it. It feels like being back in 2020. It feels like failure and a set back and a sign that I am never going to reach my goals. I know that isn’t true. Logically I know that it’s just for now, just while I heal. But why can’t I be like all those other people who can say “I’m going to join a gym” and then three months later they are in the best shape of their lives and forever changed for the better??? AAAHHHHHGGR!!!

*Breath*

1. I will heal. I will rest. I will reset. I will try again. With each try I get further. With each cycle I get a little better. With each attempt I get a little stronger. Being angry about it does not mean I have given up. Being angry means that I still have the desire and drive to try.

Don’t ever stop trying!

JT